How to commit the perfect murder


Not that I condone such things, but the State of Florida and several others with their stand-your-ground laws have given us a perfect formula for getting away with murder. If you need to kill someone and live in one of these states or can get your victim to meet you in one of them, just follow these simple steps:

  1. Pick a fight. Apparently it doesn’t matter how you do this, so feel free to be creative! You can haul off and hit your victim, call him or her names, or even just follow them around in the rain. As long as you can get them to start physically attacking you, you’ve completed this step.
  2. Wait until they start kicking your ass. You need some kind of evidence to support your claim of self-defense, so you’ll need to let yourself get injured. Be careful! There’s a fine line between corroborating evidence and actually being in danger.
  3. Pull your gun and shoot. I should note, it’s a good idea to find a time and place with few or no witnesses. You don’t want any one contradicting your story when the police get there or you have to face a jury (worst case scenario).
  4. Make sure you shoot to kill. History is written by the winners after all. And firing a warning shot is not self-defense.

By the same token, if you ever get into a fight in Florida, your best bet is to kill the other person as quickly as possible by whatever means you have available. There’s a chance the other person won’t realize that two survivors can charge each other with battery and have to fight it out in court, but I wouldn’t recommend taking that chance. If they do realize, their best bet is to kill you so you can’t tell your side.

One other caveat, be careful not to attack a higher class of citizen than your are. Preston Sharpnack in Austin, Texas learned the hard way that self-defense doesn’t work if the dead guy is an architect and you’re homeless. It’s possible that Stand-Your-Ground only works one direction.

 

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